


Theseus's paradox

by Gwaeren



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Light Angst, Long-Haired Victor Nikiforov, M/M, Underage Smoking, Victor and Chris are friends, Young Victor Nikiforov, genderneutral!Victor, genderqueer!Victor, or not so light, school abuse, there is no actual description of relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 16:02:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9392591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gwaeren/pseuds/Gwaeren
Summary: Victor is a very purposeful young men. There is nothing he desires more then to be the best worlds figure skater. He can give whatever it takes to fulfill that dream. But will Victor still be himself if it takes all of him?





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write a story about gender neutral character, but it turned out little angsty and not actually because of Victor's gender identity ^^"  
> Victor here identifies himself beyond gender binary. He still refers to himself as "he" because he is used to it, but he hates when somebody calls him boy/man/girl/woman etc.

This is an abnormally sunny day for Saint Petersburg, especially in winter. Students looked distracted by the amount of snow in the street. Blizzard raged the whole night before and still haven’t stopped completely, turning into a snowfall by the noon. The teacher sighs.

“Alright, it is clear all you want to do now is go out and start a snow-fight. Since you’ve finished all your tasks for today’s lessons I’ll let you go home a little earlier. But I need one of you to help me clear the classroom. Who’s on class duty today?”

There was a moment of silence in the room, the teacher was waiting for someone to sand up and answer, but nothing happened.

“What does that mean? Was nobody scheduled for today?”

“It’s Nikiforov’s turn” answers one of the students.

“That explains a lot” the teacher smiles. She looks at the boy sitting near the window and daydreaming. He is not paying any attention to the situation in class and looks like he didn’t even hear what was he asked about.

Victor is deep in his thoughts. He looks at the snow, charmed by its beauty. The sun reflects from the snowflakes, a bright light dances outside. It would be a solid gloss plane if not for a white pigeon, walking on the untouched snow. The bird’s feathers are clean and white, just like snow, but they don’t shine under the sunshine and that creates perfect contrast. Victor wonders if he can use it in his costume next season. Something shiny and light mixed with inserts of wing-shaped white fabrics. It can be even more angelic considering his long silver hair. He starts to see how beautiful it can be and obviously misses something the teacher was telling him, because when he looks at her, she says his name with a little annoyance:

“Nikiforov! Vitya, hey. Finally you’re paying attention. Well, everybody is free to go except Nikiforov. Take care.”

Students storm out of class, trying to gram their coats as soon as possible and pour into the yard while Victor gets his portion of scolding. He can’t argue with the teacher, she is right telling him to pay attention to his studies and think about something except figure skating. He cleans the blackboard and checks desks in case somebody forget something, but his mind is occupied with teacher’s words. He can’t narrow his all life to skating, but what else he can do? At least he is good in his sport.

When cleaning is over there is no one left in the school yard and Victor exits the building happy to be alone again. After he turns the corner of school, however, he finds out he was wrong. A group of teenagers stand there, smoking some cheap cigarettes. Victor recognizes some of them as his classmates, but there are a couple of guys he never saw before. He lowers his head hoping to pass them unnoticed. Unfortunately, that’s not happening:

“Ooooh, Vitya. How was your class duty? I hope you’re not upset that you had to dirty your little hands?” bullies surround him and continue their teasing “That would be pity if our little princess scratches her nail polish”

Victor automatically looks at his nails, but they are clean of any color. He remembers good how he wiped his favorite blue color just this morning. He looks at the boy, who talks to him: “I don’t know what are you talking about”

“C’mon, little princess. We all know you paint your nails when you think nobody watches. We saw it on TV one time and you still have some shade of blue on your nails right now. So how does it feel to be a young lady, Nikoforov? Or should we call you _Nikiforova_? How does it sounds to you, _Victoria Nikiforova_?”

“I’m not a girl!” Victor feels like anger grows in him. He was never the one to start a fight preferring to ignore bullies, but this time they stepped out of the line. He clutched his hands into the fist, when …

“What is this supposed to mean?” a sharp woman’s voice comes from behind. Apparently the teacher finished her job and was heading home when she encountered group of students. “My God, are you smoking? Are you all crazy?” The group of mean students breaks up as they start to run, all in different directions. The teacher shouts “And I expect all of your parent in school tomorrow! What an inappropriate behavior...”. Then she finally turns to Victor “Don’t worry, I overheard part of the talk. You are not to be punished”

“Thank you” Victor answers, still surprised by his strong reaction.

The teacher looks a little shy, as if something embarrassing her. She looks at Victor, considering her next words “You know.. It’s okay to do what you like. Don’t listen to that boys. You can wear a long hair, paint your nails and still be a boy.”

“I’m not a boy!” Victor frowns.

The teacher looks surprised “Well, you’ve got to be someone”

“I am someone. I am Victor Nikiforov. I don’t need to be anything else.”

He walks away from her feeling a little guilty, but somehow satisfied. He thinks for the first time in his life that he told her truth. He doesn’t need to be boy or girl. He is more then a tag with gender written on it, he is a person.

Victor starts listening more to himself after that incident. He starts to make some beautiful hairstyles on and off the ice, he learns some beautiful feminine moves which he always liked but was afraid to try, he buys a lot of silly T-shirts with random quotes and funny phrases on them. One time he even goes to school with his nails painted in beautiful light blue color. He likes this color most of all. It reminds him of cold blue light on his home rink. School days becomes harder. His classmates constantly try to insult him which he ignores as best as he can. Teachers start to call his parents every day and practically every family dinner turns into an argument. Victor ignores it too. _They never mattered_ , he tells himself. I _’ll be the best skater in the world in no time, I’m already the best in junior division. I’ll be the legend of figure skating and this petty people_ _in school_ _have no influence on me._

He is almost 16 now, he doesn’t need to be friends with them. He just need to go through this period of life and forget about school immediately after graduation. All this abuse in school which was meant to break him, gives him more strengths and confidence. Victor becomes cocky enough to ask Yakov’s permission to choreograph his own program for his last junior season. Of course, Yakov monitors it constantly, everything in this program – costume, music, all technical elements and an overall idea – needs to gain his approval. But in the end it is ready and Victor is satisfied. He wants his last junior year be as much about himself as it is possible. In his short program he makes sure to include both feminine and masculine moves, showing that it’s okay to be ether or both. But he makes sure to make his free skate as gender neutral as possible, telling his audience that it’s also possible to be neither. He tells the story of understanding himself, opening his heart and in the end this turns out to be his best season so far. Most of his fans are crazy about this routine and Victor gains more confidence in himself then ever. He makes it to the senior division after his “gold” season, wining all serious junior competitions.

Time goes on and Victor finds himself finally graduating from school. He chooses some local institute not really caring for his major. All he wants to do is skate, show people how important this is for him, so he works even harder. Competing in senior division is nothing like he imagined. It is not about who knows more jumps anymore, it is about how you deal with your own demons. After his first season Victor was surprised that seniors are usually very friendly to each other, even before the competitions. When he talks to Yakov about it the old man just tells “That’s how it is. On this stage the only person you compete against is yourself. You don’t need to impress your rivals or judges. You only need to impress yourself” Victor promises himself to follow this rule, to change enough so he’ll surprise not even his fans, but himself. He makes first step to this new goal by making friends with his current rivals. Victor is not used to talk to people, he never learned properly how to socialize. That’s why he chooses the other new guy, cute Swiss boy who just entered the senior division. He talks to him after he ends his short program

“Hey, you’re Chris, right? I remember you from last year’s Euros. Nice performance there”

“And you’re Victor, right? I remember you too” the blond boy winks at him. Victor feels at a lost. _What does he means “he remembers”? I’m the one who won that Euro, of course he remembers. Why wouldn’t he?_

Chris laughs looking at Victor’s face expression “Sorry, I’m just messing up with you. You’re great Victor Nikiforov, nobody ever forgets you etc, etc. Also, you’re cute” he laughs again. “So, Victor, are you nervous?”

Victor makes his most serious expression “I’m never nervous. I’ll win this Euros just as I did last year”

“Sure, if you say so. Oh, you’re next to go, right?” Chris steps closer and stands on his tiptoes to land a quick kiss on Victors chick. “That’s for luck. Go get your medal, Victor” he runs somewhere towards the lobby, maybe to change to his casual clothes, maybe to find a good sit and watch Victors skate. Victor himself can’t bring himself to take his palm from the kissed chick. He smiles before stepping on the ice. If that was the tactics to knock him of balance it didn’t work.

Turns out it was not a tactics. In next couple of years Victor and Chris became good friends. They share ideas, chat in social media, watch competitions together and support each other. Their “good luck kiss” becomes some kind of a signature sign along with Victors now always painted nails and Chris’ perfect eyelashes. During this time Victor starts to feel himself happy and free. He has a friend, his passion to skate at its peak and he is well loved by his fans. That’s why he is not prepared for the sudden change in his life. He feels the first signs of upcoming changes after his fourth Worlds in senior division. He ends up with gold, his first Worlds gold and later that evening he scrolls his news feed lazily, looking for the praise. He is surprised when he finds none. Most of the articles talks about his rinkmate Georgi who debuted as senior this year and ended up with bronze medal in Worlds. Victor skips lines about Georgis awesome performance and looks for anything about his win. The usual stuff doesn’t catch his attention. “Nikiforov wins as expected”, “Predictable performance wins first place”, “No one ever doubted that Nikiforovs techniques worth gold”. Victor feels a glimpse of panic. If he can’t surprise his audience anymore this can be his last gold medal. This is unacceptable. He need to change something.

Victor spends his off-season researching anything he can found about himself. He even creates a fake account and enters fanchat dedicated to him. This opens his eyes. He is not a new skater anymore. He himself, his ideas, his looks are all predictable now. He tries to understand what kind of person he is least expected to be and then he comes up with a plan.

He wipes his nail polish because this is one of his most signature characteristics.

This is one of the hardest steps. He loves his nailes painted, but if he needs to sacrifice it in a name of his dream he’ll do it.

Then he research more and changes his dressing style. _I’m not a teenager anymore_ , he tells himself. _I need to look mature and skate mature._ When he first shows up at the practice rink in strict black sport suit without any catching phrase on his tee Yakov almost gets a heart attack

“Well, if it isn’t our Victor all grown up. So you decided to drop your gender play?”

Victor swallows hard, tears almost drops from his eyes. _No_ , he reminds himself, _I am who I am. This is just a facade_ _,_ _an act. I need to win, I need to always win. So I will act like no one expects_

Instead of answering, Victor says “I want something new. I have this idea.. I want to try something aggressive for this seasons theme.”

“Fine by me” Yakov replies.

His new programs are fast, aggressive and sharp. His new costumes both made in dark colors with no glitter on them. When he finally starts his season on his way to Gran Prix he notices attention to his new style. Chris gives him strange look before it’s Victor’s turn to skate.

“You’ve changed, Vic. I don’t know what happened to you this summer, but it’s not you anymore”

Victor steps closer to Chris, leaning to his ear and whispers “I haven’t change. But I need everybody to think that I have” Chris doesn’t look convinced, but he nods, landing a quick kiss to Victors check “Good luck, then”

His routine for this season is something new completely and Victor carries it competition after competition, every time ending up at some stage of the podium. This is the season when he first advances to the final stage of Gran Prix, though he ends up with silver. He wins the Worlds once again and this time everybody talks about him. Chris talks to him more often then before, like he is trying to study this new Victor, but Victor himself feels satisfied. _That’s what I wanted since I was 14 years old. To impress people with my skating. I will dedicate my life to it and I will sacrifice_ _whatever it takes to always surprise my audience._

The next season shows Victor that this is still not enough. He makes it to the GPF again taking a bronze there. He tries to not be disappointed in himself but as the season goes on his skating becomes worse. Silver on Nationals, silver on Euros (he has lost to Chris for the first time), one step from podium on Worlds. That breaks his heart and he is again deep buried in research. He looks and looks but can’t find what is wrong with him. The only thing left from real Victor is his long silver hair and he…

_Wait_

_My hair?_

Victor can’t stop to think about it because he’ll never do it. And this needs to be done. He leaves his home heading to his usual barbershop. His haircutter, Natasha, always has time for her favorite client, so Victor doesn’t bother himself with an appointment. He runs to the barbershop and speaks from the doorway: “Natasha, I need your help urgently”

“Sure, sweet thing. I have time in a 5-10 minutes” young girl looks like she if almost finished with her current client. “Anyway, what are we doing? Regular maintenance or are you feeling experimental?”

“I’ll tell you once I’m in you chair” Victor’s afraid to say it outloud, afraid he’ll storm out from the building if he hears what he’s going to say.

“Alright, you’re good to go, dear. Victor, take your place” Victor sits in a chair, towel wrapped around his shoulders. “So what’s the emergency, sweet thing?”

“Cut it short”

Natasha drops her scissors «Are you nuts? I can’t!”

“You can and you will.” Victor brings himself to look at his barber. She made his haircuts since he was sixteen and she loved his hear like her own. He takes a deep breath before asking her again “Natasha, please. I need it. I need it as short as you can, but not stupid. Make me...” he stumbles on the words he’s going to say “Make me a pretty boy, shall you?”

Her expression could have broken Victor’s heart if it wasn’t already shattered into pieces. He tries not to look at the mirror. Instead he traces every curl of his hair with his eyes while it falls on the floor. He feels like with every strand of hair he looses some part of himself. When everything is finally ready and Natasha takes the towel from him he gathers all his courage to look at the mirror

A stranger stares back

Victor blinks. A stranger repeats it. The man in the mirror looks really handsome, Victor thinks. A strand of hair covers his left eye, giving the man somehow mysterious look. “This is perfect, Natasha, thank you” Victor says, because he needs to say something. In silence he pays for her work and exits to the street. He walks home slowly, trying not to look at the reflection in the windows. At home he stands in front of a huge mirror, looking on the person in reflection. The man is tall, stylish, mature, dressed in a light colored clothes which suits his eyes. Victor reaches out his hand and when his finger touch the cold glass he finally can gather himself. _I am who I am. I doesn’t matter how people see me. It will not change who I am._

He haven’t told anybody about his new haircut and besides his rinkmates (who were shocked, of course) nobody knew this new Victor Nikiforov before season started. Yakov did a great job protecting his new look from the press to surprise everybody.

After his first competition in America Chris only sends him one word “Why?”. Victor doesn’t know what to reply, so he ignores it. They meet in person in a month, Chris looking at him like for the first time.

“Vic, I’m worried. I don’t want to ask your reasons again, but tell me one things. You would have told me if you had any problems, wouldn’t you?”

Victor looks at him with a challenge in his eye. _I did it to win. To finally make a gold season in senior division. Why do you worry about me? I’m following my dream, I’m doing the only thing I’m good at. That is good, Chris. So get over it._ He only slips “I’m okay” before Chris steps into the ice. Victor does not kiss him in a chick

Victor is 22 years old. This is a season when he wins his first senior Gran Prix gold.

And starting from this season he wins it every year, five times in a row. Three of this five seasons he makes golden, wining every serious competition. He finds his inspiration for each season from something new, but he doesn’t skate about himself anymore.

He thinks he’s alright until he sees Yuuri for the first time. That ridiculous man hangs on Victor’s neck as drunk as drunk could be and his eyes literally sparkle! That seem impossible to Victor, to show someones feeling so freely, to care so little about others opinion. But maybe it’s liquor talking. Victor smiles to the Japanese skater like he usually smile to little children or dogs. “Come, you’re drunk. Lets take you to your room before you start undressing again”

This little incident at the banquet bugs Victor for next four month. He does not think about person behind that drunken face (because clearly that was just intoxication and real Yuuri Katsuki is nothing like that), but he can feel inside him something he long forgotten. For the first time in seven years he wants to do something jut for the sake of it, not because it will benefit his skating career. He wants to feel that drunken happiness he saw behind Yuuri’s eyes, but no matter what and how much he drunks he still feels empty. When he skates _Stay close to me_ as for the last time this season and this time he skates it for himself.

 

> _Stammi vicino, non te ne andare_
> 
> _Ho paura di perderti_
> 
> _Stay close to me, don’t go_
> 
> _I’m afraid of losing you_

This program takes all his heartache and brings it to the surface. He breathes heavily after the music stops, heart beats fast and he feels himself at the age of the panic attack. Thoughts float around in his mind. _What was that? What have I done? How can I let this go so far? What should I do next?_ And people around him not helping at all. His rinkmates keep talking about how this was one of his best performance and all social media are filled with one question – what will Nikiforov do next.

Victor turns off his phone and hides in his home for weeks. Truth is, he has no idea what to do next. He is sure, he can’t go on like this anymore, he can’t skate about some random stuff he never felt. But he forgot how to do it another way. He thinks about calling Chris, but he can’t formulate an adequate question. _Hey, buddy, can you tell me how I skated seven years ago? I seem to forget,_ _though_ _I want to skate like this again_. This is not going to work, Chris will only get mad at him. So in the end Victor just spends his days at home eating sweets (since it’s off-season anyway) and watching random vids from net.

He doesn’t miss that viral video of course. Katsuki skating “Stay close to me”. Well, he is absolutely sober this time. Victor can’t take his eyes from him. _What are you feeling skating this routine?_ he wonders, _Why do you look so peaceful?_

Again like many times before Victor can’t stop to think about what he’s doing. He buys tickets for the first flight which is in three hours and then realizes that he is going to be late. He throws some essentials to his travel bag and calls Yakov on his way to airport. Oh, poor Yakov. He passes through all stages of acceptance, lingering a little longer on “anger”. Victor is not really sorry for it. He knows if he stops to think about what he’s doing, he’ll never make it.

And he need it, he thinks. To explore Yuuri Katsuki’s personality and to understand himself. There is a lot to explore indeed. Victor learns, that drunken Yuuri is nothing even close to real Yuuri character. But in time he also learns, that there is much more to this guy than shyness and anxiety. Victor tries to push him to his edge, showing him how deep and beautiful he is and the result is incredible.

Victor is not surprised that Yuuri can perform complicated program, he is one of the top Japanese skaters after all. But seeing him opening his heart on ice gives Victor warm feelings.

He is happy, when Yuuri brings him that music piece and it really suits him. His free program becomes Victors favorite. _Yuuri on Ice, huh? It’s all about you and it’s beautiful. Just like yourself._

Changes are not immediate. Victor is not waking one morning like a new person, but something is really different about him. At this years GPF Victor can’t take his eyes from other skaters. He thinks it’s because they are not his rivals anymore, but looking how young and promising most of them are he wants to skate again. He sees challenge, but now he doesn’t want to necessarily win. Instead he wishes to skate for his own pleasure. He notices Chris’ eyes following him and smiles back.

“You’re next, right?”

“Yep. Hey, Victor. It’s good to see you happy again”

Victor is indeed happy, though he is not back to his true self yet. But he feels guilt for abandoning his friendship with Chris, so he does the only thing he feels right. Victor comes closer and leans a quick kiss to blondes chick. “Go get your medal, Chris”

When all tings are settled, all medals assigned, his argument with Yuuri is solved and Yakov agrees to take him back Victor feels a bit of panic. Can he really do it? Find himself again and not end up adjusting to what people want to see? “Victor” Yuuri interrupts his chain of thoughts. “I never asked, but why did you cut your hair?”

Victor is a little disturbed by this question. But no, Yuuri can’t read minds. It’s just a coincidence.

“You know, I always need to surprise people. That was just one way to do it. Why? You liked it longer?”

“Mhm” Yuuri agrees. “But that doesn’t mean you need to grow it again. You don’t need to be somebody people never expect you to be. You can be just yourself. Victor Nikiforov is amazing per se”

Nobody ever told Victor things like that. He used to tell himself the same when he was young, but knowing that somebody else is thinking like this... And not jut somebody, but his very incredible man…

“Yuuri, we need to go somewhere!” Victor storms to the doorway

“What? It’s almost midnight. Wait, where are we going?”

Victor can’t wait, because if he stops he may overthink it. He grabs Yuuri’s hand and drags him outside

“Come, I want to take Chris with us too. I need a new nail polish”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading ^^ I enjoy all your kudos and comments, don't be shy to leave them  
> My tumblr is [captaincadash](http://captaincadash.tumblr.com/), you can come to me anytime to chat ^^


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